Why The “Work-Mom Balance” Concept Sucks

Originally Published on Ambitious.com | 07/16/2015

Less than 5 years ago, I was the youngest woman at a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce of Metro Orlando networking event, surrounded by well-established business professionals, carrying a stash of personal business cards.

Jai V, they read in big letters on one side of the generic Vistaprint template.

My personal mantra “Living Life Stripped to the Essence” was centered on the other.

I was already known by the Chamber staff, well respected and applauded for my passionate dedication and willingness to freely promote their mission and goals.

At 24, I was ambitious and ready to lay claim to my spot in the world as I worked my way around the room saying hi to business owners I already knew. I laughed with a close contact as he introduced me to more people, and answered questions on what I was studying and my goals.

“I’m in school for English,” I repeated again and again. “I’m looking for a creative position where I can grow and establish myself as I writer.”

Each one always had a smile on their face and always said the same thing.

“It’s not everyday you find someone as young as you here. It’s good. We need people like you in places like these.”

Then, one person said something different.

They smiled and laughed as they looked down at my card. “No boyfriend and no plans for kids?” they asked.

I remember shaking my head strongly, mildly annoyed. Boyfriend? Kids? My sister had a kid and the changes and sacrifices I saw she was making had me at No, thank you.

“I want to focus on my career first,” I said carefully.

They smiled again and nodded at my seriousness.

“Makes sense. Better to do it now. Things have a way of changing when you start a family.”

Now, here I am at 28, washing post-dinner dishes as I listen to the sounds of a babbling one year old and a fiancé playing ABC videos off of Youtube.

No boyfriend, no kids? Now I have both and as that one business owner had predicted and most moms can probably agree, having children definitely adds a “detour” to anyone’s plans.

Some may even call it a block.

But is Motherhood really a Block?

For some parents I know, it has become a sort of block. When you end up trying to balance and rotate through three different demands, something has to give. Some people just give up on their initial ambitions in favor of reducing those demands. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I will always maintain a “If it makes you happy, go for it” mentality.

However, as evident in the fact that today women remain in the workforce even after having children (about 70% as a matter of fact), there are many of us unwilling to stand behind the stigma of a “motherhood first, nothing else matters” mentality.

We find ourselves fighting to prove that yes, we are mothers, but no, it does not define us. Being a mother does not stop us from moving forward in our personal gains.

The balance between motherhood and career will always be an uphill battle. That’s because just as demands change in a child’s needs, (at just one year old, my child already has the appetite of his father!), so do the demands of a growing career. What they don’t tell you about the battle is that, beyond trying to find what may be the right “balance”, there will now be a part of you that is constantly fighting against being put into a box of pre-defined expectations.

A box called “Motherhood”.

Every time I look up an article on mothers in the workforce, I find myself reading the same thing over, and over again.

In fact, if you google search the words “Working” + “Motherhood”, you’ll see what I mean.

All the stuff being written is how to “make it all work,” as if to say we’re trying to make the impossible possible. It actually started to demotivate me as I read article after article on how to balance this and that, what type of jobs are best for moms (freelancing and blogging is where it’s at fellow mamas!), and how to cope (apparently we’re all expected to be in an inherent panic mode from how little time we have).

Then I started to think to myself, why?

Yes, I have an extra person to teach what may seem like 5,000 things at once. And he may demand a bit of extra attention, but it’s something I use as a motivator to keep working harder, not something that should be giving me “extra work”.

I have always been taught to lead by example, so what’s impossible about building on my ambitions while helping the little one learn about his?

As women, we should keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with trying to work towards our OWN personal goals, even when we have other things on the table that say otherwise. There is nothing wrong with someone continuing their personal ambitious while also having a child.

But still, people like to make you believe that you are sacrificing one thing for the other, and sacrificing the wrong thing to boot.

I got into a debate the other night as I tried to verbally explain (not quite effectively, for that matter) that while I love my son, I still have a fierce desire to keep working towards my dreams of writing and have segmented time locked up in the room to get my own things done — besides the needs of the work day.

And I won’t say there aren’t still moments I have an internal fight with my guilt at wanting to do something, not because it would benefit my child, but because it would benefit others – which, in the long run, includes my own children.

“But you have to understand,” my husband said, “You’re a mother now. Your children come first. They are your priority.”

And I got annoyed, again.

Why can’t they BOTH come first, hand in hand? I don’t see a rulebook or contract stating that “As a parent you will no longer be permitted to stay true to you…”

Are we sacrificing everything we wanted to be because the world tells us that’s just how it is? Are we supposed to allow our dreams to take the back burner and become invisible, with just the “mom” label as our main contribution to the world?

Who says I can’t be a mother and a visionary at the same time?

That you can’t build on your dreams while you’re busy helping your children learn about theirs? And if you don’t have kids: what about your freelance job (that’s like a baby for many entrepreneurs!) or your passion project?

No one is saying things will be simple. Then again, if you have a kid, you know teaching is actually not as simple as we make it out to be.

It takes effort, just as everything else we do in this world when we want to get ahead. What we think directly influences how we act, so why do we accept it with heads bowed that “work and childrearing are about balance”.

Balance implies both are separate and can never exist together.

It is similar to the concept of work and fun. Back in the day, before the explosion of tech trends and studies, work and fun were antonyms. If you were having fun at work, then you must not be working hard enough. Now look at the changes in the workplace we’re facing! I believe the same goes with parenthood. The dynamics of parenting are changing as the world changes, so our view on it should be changing as well.

I think it is changing, but so far the “new norm” of the working mom is being highlighted as a “millennial trend” rather than a modern day fact.

People seem to think that to be accomplished, a working mother has to have some sort of “career success story”, and is defined mainly by her outside-of-the-home successes.

I call bullshit.

Why? Because the workplace is not the ONLY place an individual can be motivated by a need for self-improvement – a sense of achievement.

Ambition is not defined by economical standards, but we can’t help but associate the two when looking at someone (*cough celebrities cough*) bearing the “I’m a mother, hear me roar” banner in the news clippings, tabloids and web feeds.

What about the women who have redirected themselves and are busy working on improving their personal lives?

Women working hard and carving out their niche as they work to make the environment around them better. Empowerment can come through life experiences and just because you happen to have a child or 10 does not mean you have lost your sense of ambition.

Direction? Perhaps, just a small stray from the path you once felt you had.

Or maybe it helped you pave a new path.

But in order to LOSE direction you have to believe there is or was a direction.

We can still get new jobs, still push for new careers, go back to school or find a new or renewed purpose. We can do what we love and we can bring our children along with us for the ride, too.

It doesn’t matter if you’re single or taken.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom, or a mom driving 45 minutes back and forth at a 9 – 6 p.m. job.

For those of us who have regained it, still have it, or are looking for it — just because we helped bring an extra life in the world doesn’t stop us from being the person we want to become.

That’s why I refuse to be define by “motherhood” even as my motherhood has, and will continue to, help define me by adding another layer of purpose as I work towards my goals.

Don’t let yourself be boxed in by Their expectations.

I know I won’t be.